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Old 04-27-2018, 07:11 PM   #1
Bukowski
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Default [Stone/Leaf] Dial F for Fist


Newly betrothed Jounin The Fist and Sajime Sahori decide to get to know one another the best way possible--by fighting one another in a kumite meant to show goodwill.

It works out perfectly, no bumps or injuries or any sort of awkwardness at all.
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Let's end the speculation, I'm talkin' to all of y'all
Males shouldn't be jealous, that's a female trait
What, you mad ‘cause you push dimes and he sell weight?
Y'all don't know my expenses, I gotta buy bigger plates
Hehehe, and more baggies — why you all aggie?
Homie, respect the game, that should be it
What you eat don't make me shit; where's the love?



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Old 05-17-2018, 05:11 PM   #2
Based Kiba
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Claiming this to be useful.
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Old 05-20-2018, 10:16 PM   #3
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[The Thread]
So I had a very distinct image of what this thread would be. When I heard VD + Buko Kumite, I imagined unabashed rock formation destruction and loudmouthed taunts and glorious war cries. I got a little of that, for sure, but I also got a good bit more than that. To be honest, my favorite part of this thread was probably Mama Fist's contributions and the Byakko-Sasa bickering about the origins and excitement of Hinoken, The Talking Sword of Legend. And the thread ended with me excited for the next adventure.

That said, I have one thing to say;

When you bold every couple of words, suddenly the whole idea of emphasizing exactly what you are trying to say starts to take away from what you are actually saying. If you have to force me to realize where and what you're emphasizing, you're taking away from some of the fun of reading your otherwise exciting story. In the future, I would suggest being aware that bold words come off as a flag flying in the face of the reader, saying that this is the important word to take away from a sentence that, when read otherwise, would not be the attention-grabbing word of the sentence. If your use of bbcode isn't adding to the meaning of your phrases or sentences, then it's probably subtracting something. See how I didn't put subtracting in bold, but the sentence's focus still managed to scold you for bolding so many words? Your characters' endearing personality and intensity can come through with your talented voice as an author without any of the frills.

I encourage you to reread the posts you both wrote between #8-#15 especially and look critically at if emboldening your words actually adds something or if it makes something already obvious become a little excessive. In some cases, the bold word actually forces your mind to emphasize words to the detriment of natural flow.

Note: for the sake of the internal dialogues, the bold-italicized versus italicized text actually helped, but in that case, the emboldening of words wasn't really being used to force emphasis, ya dig?
[Buko] Three Points, Stats Only.

[Virtual Dream] Three Points, One Jutsu.


Thanks for reading this far, if you did. Can't wait to see the next story in the adventure.
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Old 05-20-2018, 10:33 PM   #4
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Thanks for the rating!

I have some work for you to do, editing wise.

From this thread, Sahori will take +2 Willpower, bringing her total to 14, and Jishin Stage 4.

I forgot to claim Byakko's points for the previous thread, so if you could add her bonuses from that one --

Stage Two
Ofuda Gijutsu: Kyohi Toojo - Seal Technique: Deny Entryl (5 Control, 4 Power, 4 Reserves )

and +1 Control for the thread Negotations over Fists.

Then for this thread, Byakko will take

Stage Three
Shinpo Ofuda Gijutsu: Ryouiki Kyohi! - Hex Seal Technique: Deny Space (8 Control, 8 Power, 6 Reserves)

and +1 Tactics.

Thanks!

Kiba Edits: Done!
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Last edited by Based Kiba; 05-21-2018 at 02:58 AM..
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Old 05-20-2018, 10:45 PM   #5
Bukowski
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Thanks for the writing! I like the bolding personally but like we talked in chat--I think it's likely too much of a good thing.

And, yeah, Fist is trying to be Hokage bruh: gotta grow up sometime!

+2 Speed and +1 Strength for this rating, thanks man!

Kiba Edits: Done!
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Let's end the speculation, I'm talkin' to all of y'all
Males shouldn't be jealous, that's a female trait
What, you mad ‘cause you push dimes and he sell weight?
Y'all don't know my expenses, I gotta buy bigger plates
Hehehe, and more baggies — why you all aggie?
Homie, respect the game, that should be it
What you eat don't make me shit; where's the love?




Last edited by Based Kiba; 05-21-2018 at 02:58 AM..
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