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Old 06-12-2014, 03:55 AM   #1
Bukowski
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Default [Grass] Heat [Rated]

HEAT

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bingo Book
Name: Shinashi Hayate
Shinobi Rank: Jounin
Missing-nin Rank: B
Shinobi Village: Grass
Last Location: Last seen delivering a package to a house in Kaku.
Additional Notes: A Jounin ranked Grass Shinobi, Shinashi is assumed responsible for five murders (non-shinobi) and the theft of over one million ryou in goods from merchants in Grass. A master of stealth and a man of constant vigilance, he has both continued his crime spree and evaded capture while staying within the borders of Grass country.
Reward: Wanted dead or alive. Collect all rewards with Hidden Grass.
The thrill of the chase, the reality of the hunt.

Starring: Hanamura Saku
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Let's end the speculation, I'm talkin' to all of y'all
Males shouldn't be jealous, that's a female trait
What, you mad ‘cause you push dimes and he sell weight?
Y'all don't know my expenses, I gotta buy bigger plates
Hehehe, and more baggies — why you all aggie?
Homie, respect the game, that should be it
What you eat don't make me shit; where's the love?



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Old 07-17-2014, 10:11 PM   #2
Junge
u havin a giggle m8
 
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Claim and rated, with new and improved Jangerate! Same great points, but with 70% less text!

2 points, no jutsu.

Good: Gritty, complicated story. There was no clear right or wrong players, plenty of moral ambiguity, and well-crafted set pieces and pacing. Character is a good snapshot of a psychopath, and I don’t feel there was an attempt to rationalize his cruelty (this is good, since most people want to make their assholes looks righteous and heroic). Flawed characters are good characters. Combat was fun to read, and overall this seemed like a quality piece of work.

Neutral: 27 total fucks were said in this thread, which is a new record for me. The character talks a LOT like Fist and didn’t really become a distinct voice until much later on. Dialogue is excessively dramatic and somewhat silly, often ruining the mood. A lady with a broken jaw could talk and be understood without problem which doesn't seem right to me, though it's not like she said anything important anyway.

Bad: The ending was atrocious. Easily one of the worst asspulls I’ve read on Engi. There was a bunch of ways you could have handled the ‘she’s still alive’ twist and you did it in the laziest and stupidest way possible. In the future, provide more explanation for how someone just recovers from what looks and sounds like a broken neck. 'I guess she's alive somehow so I don't gotta explain shit!' is a slap in the face to the reader. I also didn’t appreciate how your character is spared from the consequences of his actions thanks entirely to luck. It cheapens the thread, the character, and your writing when you (the author) save characters from the consequences of their actions by providing serendipitous solutions the character had no control over (I'm referring to how Saku escapes any consequences of attempting to murder a civilian, everything else was pretty legit). I cannot stress how much of a bad taste that ending left in my mouth.

It was still solid work regardless. Looking forward to future Saku threads.
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Old 07-18-2014, 03:59 AM   #3
Bukowski
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Yeah, I kinda lost my mojo at the ending. I wanted it to feel sudden, but I suppose it just felt lazy. Solo threads are kinda hard, I think I prefer having someone else to build off of and keep me in check.

I'll take both points in Control.
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MEMBER OF THE MUTHAFUCKIN' YEAR!
Don of the Sanada Family
Leaf & Grass Lieutenant



Let's end the speculation, I'm talkin' to all of y'all
Males shouldn't be jealous, that's a female trait
What, you mad ‘cause you push dimes and he sell weight?
Y'all don't know my expenses, I gotta buy bigger plates
Hehehe, and more baggies — why you all aggie?
Homie, respect the game, that should be it
What you eat don't make me shit; where's the love?



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