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Old 05-15-2014, 07:01 PM   #1
Virtual Dream
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Default [Mist/Ronin] Broadripple is Burning [Claimed]

BROADRIPPLE IS BURNING
feat. a Ronin Samurai and her Genin Ward
(VD and Kibe)

A contracted kenjutsu tutor gets more than she bargained for when she finds her client is an overeager adolesent girl, eager for power at any costs. Despite a conflict in overall philosophy, both see the way of the sword as a method power--but before things can get nice and boring, pirates attack! These pirates lead the two girls towards certain adventure.

Part one of a series.
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¤Nara Shikagerou, Sennin of Leaf.
¤Hyuuga Yuu, Genin of Leaf.
¤Sanada Ema, Chuunin of Leaf.
¤Gushiken Ren, Chuunin of Mist.
¤Hikoboshi no Natsu, Miko of Wind.
¤Sajime Sahori, Jounin of Stone.
¤Kiku-ichimonji Jun'ko, ronin samurai.
¤Hatsuyuki Shiro, renegade shinobi.
¤Keisei Ranko, The Prince of the Keisei.
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Engi Tech || Leaf & Stone Secondary GM
Important NPCs: Higashi

Maybe it's the patterns that make me that made me crazy
(a r t i f i c a l f a n t a s y)
(swaps [AP] items)

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Old 06-10-2014, 05:14 PM   #2
Junge
u havin a giggle m8
 
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I'm going to hold you to that 'before things get boring' comment!

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Old 06-10-2014, 06:46 PM   #3
Junge
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The explosion interrupt is awful. Just awful. Zero set-up, no foreshadowing, complete disregard for pacing, and it's a slap in the face to the reader whose trying to follow your plot when oh hey suddenly an explosion and baddies lol. It couldn't have been more poorly executed if you'd just said 'suddenly a bunch of zombies fell though the ceiling'. I was more interested in the dojo paneling (which actually got more description dedicated to it than any of the NPCs) than I was your antagonists, which is absolutely unforgivable. Stories are only as good as their conflicts. 'Then the heroes defeat the nameless faceless whatever-dudes who had no clear goal or purpose or something who cares let's just end the thread' is a punch to the gut for the reader.

The reason I'm complaining about this point is because the rest of the thread was really good. It just pains me it had to happen on the back of such a lazy story construction! (This is probably the first thread I've rated where the fluff-get-to-know-you session was actually more interesting than the action scenes!)

Though the posts were well done, they also tended to run quite long. I'd work on tightening up and cutting things you don't need. Some fluff is good but just reading through I noticed a lot of details that had no reason for existing (are we really going to spend this much time discussing ponytails? Really?) In addition, I think you both spent way too much time fluffing things out in the middle of what is supposed to be an intense, all-odds-against-them battle. If a life-or-death struggle is occurring and your character is dropping a four paragraph internal monologue in the middle of it, maybe you should reconsider the importance of what is being written about. I understand that the lengthy in-between thoughtful pauses during combat is a very anime/shonen thing to do, but in written form it comes off as “and then my character stood still and pondered the fates of the unborn as well as the futility of life while everyone around her patiently waited for her to finish.” It completely takes the reader out of any danger or excitement you were trying to build up to while I listen to you wax poetic about shinobi working conditions. Priorities, people!

You both made typos here and there, but nothing major. Good form from all participating parties.



Last edited by Junge; 06-10-2014 at 09:10 PM..
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Old 06-13-2014, 01:39 PM   #4
Virtual Dream
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Once again, I appreciate the time you spend on thread ratings. You go above and beyond what's expected and you do it consistently and constantly, which is admirable.

As for the thread pacing, I felt like we were taking things too slow, and I'd hate to have anyone read about my character's super cool personality for too long. I'm starting to get the habit (or confidence?) to spend more time on what I consider the important things in a samurai story--the struggle between honor and a sense of justice in a world that pretends things are black and white--but at the same time, I'm not Kurosawa. So sometimes, it feels really forced and unnatural, so I go with what's easy--mindless combat.

I do feel bad I didn't spend more time on the pirates, because if they're pirates in Mist waters, they're pretty badass, considering the shinobi Navy and all. The important thing for us was the Vulture contract, and I guess it shows we tunneled in on it.

I'll take two points into Strength as well as the Stage 3 Mercenary technique "Effortless Ascent" (8 Strength, 6 Stamina, 8 Speed).
__________________
¤Nara Shikagerou, Sennin of Leaf.
¤Hyuuga Yuu, Genin of Leaf.
¤Sanada Ema, Chuunin of Leaf.
¤Gushiken Ren, Chuunin of Mist.
¤Hikoboshi no Natsu, Miko of Wind.
¤Sajime Sahori, Jounin of Stone.
¤Kiku-ichimonji Jun'ko, ronin samurai.
¤Hatsuyuki Shiro, renegade shinobi.
¤Keisei Ranko, The Prince of the Keisei.
Available for Registry Checks
Engi Tech || Leaf & Stone Secondary GM
Important NPCs: Higashi

Maybe it's the patterns that make me that made me crazy
(a r t i f i c a l f a n t a s y)
(swaps [AP] items)

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Old 06-16-2014, 12:15 AM   #5
Based Kiba
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As VD, I also really appreciate your writing. I've always felt the need to fine tune certain parts of Asuka, and I do believe you're right that she is sometimes spunkier than her age permits, but I've aged her a year in this thread, since I believe the time has come for her to be at least 12 years old. And yes, she is definitely not succeeding in being a prim and proper old lady, whether she is trying to or not.

I'm taking +1 Intelligence, +1 Willpower, and aging Asuka one year here. Thanks for the rating.
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