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Old 02-18-2008, 08:10 PM   #1
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Default Hensou: Don't Kill the Messenger <Rated>

Thread:
Hensou: Don't Kill the Messenger
A cautionary tale

Starring:
Nise Kohan - Hensou's Psychological Genius
Oda Moko - Hensou's Genius of Manipulation

Summary:
40 Post

The Hensou thought they had cleared out Shinku Seijun, but they very much did not. So now they have to locate the final remnants of the group and strike while they can. So they go to the one source that is easiest to locate, the informants that Mamotou Company used to speak to the group (or so they hoped). Three shinobi, three windows to catch them and see what they could pry out of them. None of them going quite right.
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Old 02-26-2008, 10:53 AM   #2
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This. Is. bumped.
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Old 03-08-2008, 12:03 PM   #3
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Meh. Might as well bump this.
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Old 03-18-2008, 04:12 PM   #4
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Obligatory late bump.
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Old 03-30-2008, 01:46 AM   #5
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Fine fine, I'll claim this one too lol.
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Old 04-09-2008, 11:23 PM   #6
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Alright alright, here it is. It was kind of fun to see a guy who talks all the time and a guy who doesn't teamed together (you both even used "silver-tongued manipulator" in your personality fields, lol), so they offset each other pretty well.

Merd: Technicals is where you suffer the most by a long shot. I can still understand what you're saying, but I can also (given time) understand leetspeak, so make sure you work on checking over your stuff. Moko's speech, I understand, was purposely typed that way to get a feel over his vernacular, which is absolutely fine; there were actually few errors in the speech. It was in the description things were kind of off - missing letters, missing words, words out of order, sentence fragments, typos, etc. Definitely ("definitely" is a word you seem to be misspelling consistently, too; there's an 'e' between the 't' and 'l') work on this part since you're a good storyteller, but having your writing riddled with small errors can be distracting from a solid tale.

For some reason I get the feeling Moko is kind of like you embodied on Engi, lol. Maybe he talks a bit more, but you do seem fairly similar to me for some reason or another. Either way you played him well; length generally was fine though you did have comparatively smaller posts near the end (and some in the middle, too).

Three points for stats only.

Kym: From a technical standpoint, your writing was more solid than Merdle's. However, your issue was more of style; using short, abrupt sentences can be a very tactical and handy technique to convey a lot of meaning and imply a greater deal of emphasis. There were more than a few times, though, it just seemed to be short sentence after short sentence after short sentence, so instead of making it "OMG WOAH," it was more of a "...Can he only write sentences up to 10 words in length?" and made it read choppy and disjointed. Too much of a good thing isn't always a great thing.

Be careful about using jutsu, since at times either you decided to skip over making hand seals or using two jutsu in a post when one of the two stated you couldn't make any other action that post. I'm not a big fan of the "lightning speed hand seals" either and personally think that kind of attitude should be stomped out, but meh. Everything seemed shipshape and consistent throughout except for one part...I think it was with Kikyo, where suddenly Kohan went off into this whole speech that seemed odd since for the most part leading up to that point, he'd been relatively surly and not talkative.

Three points.
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Old 04-10-2008, 01:42 AM   #7
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Fair enough.

+3 Power

EDIT: Done for you.

Last edited by Res; 04-10-2008 at 01:49 PM..
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Old 04-10-2008, 04:40 PM   #8
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+1 Intelligence, +1 Willpower and the swap My Fortress of Pen and Paper (last swap of second post in my swap thread) replacing the first open slot of stage 6 ink ninjutsu.

I think that's right, lulz.
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Old 04-10-2008, 04:44 PM   #9
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Done, moved, etc.
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