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Old 08-06-2017, 01:04 PM   #1
Masked_One
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Default Spirit Breaker

We interrupt this program to bring you....

SPIRIT BREAKER

Starring:
M01 as Chihiro
Junge as Gonnohyoe



Abandoned as a child, Gonnohyoe is found by Chihiro, who lives in the middle of Grass Country with her sisters, the Shrine Maidens!

But spooooooky stuff happens in Grass. It's up to Gonnohyoe to save his own hide.

...

Stupid dog! You made my thread look bad!

[eligible for an extra MotM point]


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Last edited by Masked_One; 08-10-2017 at 11:19 AM..
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Old 08-10-2017, 01:00 PM   #2
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Claimed. Critic reviews coming soon to a television screen near you.
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Old 08-31-2017, 12:50 PM   #3
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Okay. I took it over and I rated it because I'm trying to clear this out. Sorry, Geisha.

So, the story is nice. Tsundere-broken-abandonment issues-murderous psychopath toddler meets up with way-too-nice but also pure evil Girl-Next-Door super-Miko. Typical shenanigans, food, rest, and then the second act nightmare fuel.

Could it have been two threads? Yes. Am I glad it wasn't? Absolutely. I was expecting it to stay in a courtyard with a tree, so when we switched it up (quite a bit), I was thrilled.

I have to say, though: the transitions were very jagged. In post 10, for example, Masked, in the course of two paragraphs you explain "here's an orphan, everybody met him, they like him, they washed him, and now he's sort of welcome here." I get that they're Miko, and it's sort of their thing to be kind to lots of people, but this is a ten year old orphan boy. This is some Les Miserables messed up level stuff, so I think you missed out on an opportunity to show some more characterization of the Miko.

Because that food scene where Cooking Mama is talking to Secretly Possessed by Satan about being a Big, Strong, Growing Boy was a nice touch. More of that! As it was, it was only one post each of sort of Quick-Mix Engi Cement to move the thread along so you could pull out the Party-Pack Ouiji Board and get Spooking. I get it. I understand!

The Defense Against the Dark Arts section was fun, and a bit confusing since I didn't read Nightmare Fuel Gas Station Attendant's other info to find out she's actually Mrs. Light Yagami by night, so that was interesting. Masked, in this section, I think you did really well, because it was certainly evocative.

Junge, you have fun writing. I wouldn't be surprised to see if you listed Douglas Adams as one of your favorite authors, since you tend to enjoy some steaming non-sequiturs in your writing. The run post was nice, and reminded me that he's just a boy who took the midnight train going anywhere.

I have more to say, but suffice to say this: Nice job to both of you. Some posts had tin problems (like missing an "a" or "the"), but I can't fault you for that, since they were very few and far between. The thread never felt like it was lagging behind (in fact, like I mentioned, in some place it felt like it was heading for a new destination too quickly), and had some fun to it.

I hope this is a continuing thing, though, because Gonnmahoyoeremoe deserves to be chased after by a demonic otherworldly presence for all eternity. He stole from Miko.

So, two points for both of your genin, and an extra point for MOTM.
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Last edited by Mizu; 08-31-2017 at 01:03 PM..
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Old 08-31-2017, 02:51 PM   #4
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Sweet. Thought I might have to shunt the points elsewhere for this thread! Thanks for the rating Mizu and I'm glad Gonnohyoe wasn't a total load this thread like he sometimes is. Pacing is definitely something worth working on though.

I'd like to put one point into +1 Tactics, then use one point for a jutsu, and the MotM for jutsu as well.

The first is just this:

Those Lacking Opacity
Stage Two
Tsukurigoe (Voice Manipulation) Requirements: Intelligence 7, Tactics 7, Power 6


The second is from a new list, which will also be a swap (located here):

Hyouton
Stage One
Smilesicles 4 Reserves, 4 Power (Replacing:Open Slot)


Then in his thread log it can get plopped down as so:

PHP Code:
08/06/2017 [URL="http://narutorp.net/showthread.php?t=45454"]Spirit Breaker [/URL] +1 TacticsVoice ManipulationSmilesicles(MotM
I anticipate this being the end of junge edits, so thanks tremendously to our hardworking staff for all their effort!
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Old 08-31-2017, 10:04 PM   #5
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Thanks for the rating Mizu; never wrote like this before so I'm glad to know it worked out. I'll keep the pacing issues in mind.

+2 Intelligence.

Then using 1 AP on + 1 Willpower

Then I'll use my MotM point to take this technique to hide her spookyness

Bimyou Gijutsu - Subtle Technique
Requirements: 5 Willpower, 4 Intelligence, 4 Tactics

I'll get my edits in a bit
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Old 08-31-2017, 11:39 PM   #6
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too late did it anyway. gotta clear this out!
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