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Old 03-31-2019, 03:47 PM   #1
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Default The Nameless

Sosu goes on the search for his first Swordsmen target. "The Nameless" in

The Nameless
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Old 04-07-2019, 07:20 PM   #2
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I'll take this.
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Old 04-23-2019, 05:25 PM   #3
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Took nearly a month, but I'm here!

The fight scenes in here were fun, but it really does feel like a lot of context is missing, and then it isn't all that long, and then it just ends (to be continued though so that's fine I guess). Sosu is just out in Mist, he got hired above all Mist-nin to go and take care of one of the swordsmen, and not even one that say, relates to Sand. It feels a little out of nowhere.

I also feel like the whole thread was meant to spell out Sosu's previous growth, but it doesn't actually try to do that, or justify that growth. That is to say, you spend a lot of word count telling us that Sosu is stronger now. Say I've never been in a Sosu thread, read a Sosu thread, or heard of Sosu. Stronger than what? How did he get stronger? What caused him to want to get stronger? Was it difficult, did it cost him anything, were there any great moments during that journey? Why am I watching Sosu just mindlessly be strong instead of the evidently more interesting moments that made him strong? I get the feeling that wasn't your intent, but when you spend so much time fluffing Sosu, your reader can only have one a few responses. "Why do I care that people think Sosu is strong?" "That story sounds more interesting than this one." The thread reads a bit like a resume on why the character sheet (not the character himself) deserves a promotion to Jounin. 'My stats are high, and I know a lot of jutsu', they are facts but don't relate to what is happening in the narrative.

As for writing technique, there are still struggles. I'm going to end this rating with some examples of stuff that ticks my radar (I'm personally bad at grammar by the books, but years of getting roasted by English professors with red pens has given me a sort of instinctive feel for when stuff just ain't right), and when so much of that happens that I have to stop reading a post and reread it, that's when I usually drop grades. But to summarize, you are missing some mid-sentence punctuation to break up some clauses, and you tend to (let's say) over-introduce concepts. Example 'Now with just Sosu he looked at the field.' You could break that up, 'Now with just Sosu, he looked at the field'. But more than that, you could just drop the start of it, 'Sosu looked at the field'. We just read the last sentence, we know it is just Sosu. Okay I'm not going to belabor the point (I've never typed out belabor before... weird), I'm going to give this thread 1 point.

Good command of combat flow, it was an exciting read. Unfortunately, it wasn't a clear read. You did good, but I'm expecting a little better.

Quote:
It was at that point that three of the clones disappeared in a poof and only left three more Sosu; one being the real one remaining.
I'd call this one more of the 'overintroducing'. Of course it was at that point, because unless you tell us that the following moment happened in the past or in the future, everything happened 'at that point'. It was at that point is a dangerous way to start a sentence because unless it represents a 'sudden realization' it is usually a waste of word count.

Quote:
However, on the other side of the opposition two out of the five men had suffered defeat as well.
Either 'on the other side' or 'with the opposition' or anything but this particular combination.

Quote:
Because of the reach achievable by said weapons it put Sosu on guard.
I think this is passive. I'm not one of those guys that screams to the heavens about passive voice though so whatever. My real problem with this is that it treats the reader like an idiot. Yeah I know that a long weapon has longer reach. You don't need to tell me that.

Quote:
It would seem that because of the broken arm, and the large amount of pain rushing through the man that there was no accuracy left
This one is sort of a personal thing, and I wouldn't worry about it if you don't want to. I've been trying to cut down on 'seem' and stuff that like that. This thread is either from Sosu's point of view, or an omniscient point of view. So either the omniscient point of view isn't sure if the arm is hurting the guy's accuracy (that's impossible), or Sosu is unsure what is causing the drop in accuracy (that's unlikely. Sosu probably has a strong guess, and mentally wouldn't think that it is 'seeming' to do it, he would have a guess one way or another).

Quote:
Chirping erupted in a large cacophony of sound and in his stance Sosu knew that this power was the epitome of his training.
This is what I meant by punctuation or possibly bad sentence structure. I can't parse this. Somewhere, this is two sentences, and both sentences aren't the best. This is Sosu's epic moment of the thread, he is going to Chidori a guy through the heart, don't let a messy sentence ruin that!

"Chirping erupted into a large cacophony of sound. Sosu leaned into his stance. This power was the epitome of his training."

I would still write the sentence differently, but I would just rearrange the words as a matter of personal style. This though, it makes it clear what is happening, it breaks up the thoughts into individual sentences, and it has the bonus of using periods to break up the sentence sizes which lends a small amount of oomph to Sosu's arm dropping into the Chidori pose.

Okay, okay, I'm done. Sorry for the essay. This is why I don't get a lot of ratings done.
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Old 04-30-2019, 06:19 AM   #4
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Can I get it in stamina please Thank you for the rating
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Old 05-01-2019, 11:38 AM   #5
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Done, moving.
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