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Old 08-31-2019, 01:54 AM   #1
Junge
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Default [Sand] Round One

Consider this the frantic first chapter of Provisional Team Sawamatsu. I give you:



A solo production, featuring Sawamatsu no Motonubu and his Retainers

Last edited by Junge; 08-31-2019 at 01:57 AM..
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Old 08-31-2019, 10:16 AM   #2
Seikon
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Consider this claimed mon ami
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UNFINISHED | HASHIMOTO DAISUKE | ISHIKAWA EIKO| NADARE



AP: 33
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Old 08-31-2019, 11:49 AM   #3
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I think the way you structured this thread was really good. Starting in media res is always a nice touch and does well to hold the attention of your audience. I was relieved that the pacing did not suffer from some flashback sequence after the opening of the thread, too -- I had envisioned a little more explanation as to what was going on and why the three of them were where they were in some (flashbacky) form, but you covered all of the expositional bases through the action. Me gusta.

Each of the kiddos was fleshed out very well, not only through their dialogue, but also through their actions. Great example of "showing" vs. "telling" throughout, and while there was enough to gain a good understanding of each individual character, there is still plenty of room to expand and develop them further. I'm looking forward to the growth of each as well as their relationship with their new sensei.

I especially liked Motonubu's presence -- having the kids allude to him up until his eventual appearance near the end of the thread painted a good picture of his character as well (not that I personally needed it, but it would help clue a first time reader in to how he operates).

Only found two text errors, as follows (not counting the bolding of Motonubu's dialogue, but I assume he was "yelling" down at the guards in bold and just talking in the normal typeface?):

"But the other too..."

"You're better off just leave them here"

All in all, solid solo (or was it a quartet?) -- well beyond the minimum expectations.

2 points for stats only per solo rules, as well as 1 each for the kids. I believe the rules dictate that you may give your own points to the kids, at your discretion.
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Old 08-31-2019, 12:26 PM   #4
Junge
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that only took like 8 hours o:

Thanks for the read and I'm glad you found it easy enough to read to get the rating done quick. Also it's nice to see you noticed the deliberate way I structured the thread!

I'd like to put +2 points into Stamina for Motonubu, then I'll spend 1 AP to give him the Beast Master trait list, with the Pack Mule trait. That can be put into his character sheet like this:
HTML Code:
[SIZE="4"][u]Leader Trait List[/u][/SIZE]
[B]Novice Trainer - Genin[/B]

[B]Basic Trait Slot:[/B] Pack Mule (All Retainers)
Then if his retainers could be moved to right below Other Info but before the Thread Ratings, that'd be cool. I think you could just copy paste the original post, since everything is formatted already? Or maybe a link would be easier? I don't know how this works!

Then since I don't seem to be tracking AP very well on Motonubu's sheet, in the Other Info section, add this little blurb:

HTML Code:
1/8 AP spent on stats, 2/3 AP spent on jutsu
Alright then finally we get to the kiddos. Garasha gets +1 Power (bringing her to 5), Tetta gets +1 Speed (bringing him to 8), and Umanosuke gets +1 to Stamina (bringing him to 5).

This can all be added into the Thread Ratings like this:
HTML Code:
[8/31/2019]: [url=http://narutorp.net/showthread.php?p=472978#post472978]Round One[/url] - +2 Stamina, AP Spent: Pack Mule, +1 Power (Garasha), +1 Speed (Tetta), +1 Stamina (Umanosuke)
Just make the edits however you feel like doing it and if there need to be changes I'll mess with them in the next rating.

Wess Edit: Done.

Last edited by Wess; 09-03-2019 at 12:01 PM..
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