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#1 |
King Koopa
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Mushroom Kingdom
Posts: 2,908
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Gameon
Kurusu Ringo Tanuma Gekko Gambling, fighting, rescuing, death and deceit. Just another standard mission for everyone's favorite team of Genin + friends.
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#2 |
Sun General Storyboy
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Nakatomijo
Posts: 1,902
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I told myself I was gonna temporarily stop rating junge threads but I want to keep this train moving, so I'll do this one too.
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#3 | |
Alpha Twink
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: work
Posts: 1,884
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I'm snagging this too.
Junge: 2 points, one for jutsu. Kap: 2 points, one for jutsu. It was an interesting thread. Kind of strange to kill Ichi off in this way, but I mean, hey. You do you. I didn't notice any misspellings, save for Kap spelling "wielding" as "weilding." For a future reference to the both of you, describe your setting more. I didn't know they were in a casino until the fifth post. "Cramped storage area" didn't make my imagination churn either. It was hard to mentally picture what was going on; maybe I'm weird, but most of the thread played through my head with a white or black backdrop. What happened to Akane? She wasn't mentioned for the second half of the thread. Wasn't she the objective? Junge: I get that Ringo is a bit of a satirical character, but being cut across the neck is kinda serious. I get that her vision is fading and she's trying to act before she dies, and I get that this site is anime based, but she's still gotta feel pain. If you're gonna torture your characters, I want to know what they're experiencing. The pain levels, desperation, and the like. Kap: You use "then" a lot in your posts. It's a good adjective or adverb to use occasionally, but when you use a lot, it kind of makes your writing seem like a list. Junge moved the thread along more than you too. If Gekko didn't take Ringo's watch, the thread wouldn't have changed significantly. She'd have seen Akane at swordpoint. The only difference would have been that she might have stayed behind to watch the equipment. You lead the reader to infer a lot too. Making posts with more adjectives, subordinative clauses, anything that describes what's going would be helpful and make the writing not seem to list-like too. For instance, in the 4th post of the thread, you wrote: Quote:
tl;dr for both of you: Immerse the reader more!
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Available for registry checks, just ask! If you need character sheet edits done, let me know! Ratings Moderator / Ame no Kuni Primary / Kaze no Kuni & Hi no Kuni Secondary / Maeda Clan GM Itsuki Hana ~ Shinshi Junichi ~ Renchishin Ume ~ Maeda Kazuhiko ~ Aoyama Sudao ~ Honekaigi Kasumi ~ Shichou Amane ~ Kawaguchi Takumi AP / Swaps |
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#4 |
u havin a giggle m8
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,917
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Nice desu ne
For reference Akane was supposed to get kidnapped as this was an official Mist mission with an optional objective of...failing the mission. Doesn't excuse us not addressing your confusion though! Probably should have made that much clearer in the denouement. I'd like to slap a +1 to Intelligence, then this tech: Well-Timed Warrior Stage Two Requirements: Strength 7, Speed 7, Intelligence 6 This will adjust her stat bonuses to be +10 Strength and +8 Stamina. For copy pasting: HTML Code:
[07/10/2019] [URL="http://narutorp.net/showthread.php?t=46333"]Gameon[/URL]: +1 Intelligence, Stage Two Well Timed Warrior, -1 Ichi
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(Rain Chuunin) Oichi Josuke | (Sand Chuunin) Sawamatsu no Motonubu | (Leaf Chuunin) Hyuuga Kannon (Retired Grass Chuunin) Shinshi Gemmei | (Snow Genin) Gonnohyoe | (Mist Genin) Kurusu Ringo (Brigade of Light) Chosokabe Muneshige Shichou Clan GM - Shichou Mission Thread Soon! Brigade of Light GM - Missions and More! I will do any thread, anywhere, anytime. Just PM me! Wizlab | Swaps | (AP) | RIP |
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#5 |
King Koopa
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Mushroom Kingdom
Posts: 2,908
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ooh thanks for the rating.
Gekko would like +1 Stamina and to add a jutsu in stage 2 of the medical list Keksuki Gyouko (Blood Coagulation) - Control 5, Power 4, Reserves 4 My dog would like to add Stage 2 of Decaying Fist Stage 2 Requirement: Stamina 8, Strength 6, Willpower 6 Stage Bonus: +5 Strength, +4 Stamina which would change its bonuses to +9 on strength and +9 on Stamina
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