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Old 04-12-2018, 06:02 PM   #1
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Default Baddies Being Bad{SAND}

Baddies Being Bad

Sosu-Cayuga Is up to no good again, this time beating up on old woman with his new partner Tamon
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Old 04-12-2018, 09:04 PM   #2
u havin a giggle m8
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“im not trying to fight a bunch of hags; ain’t no fun in an unfair fight.”
Well that went about exactly as expected didn’t it

Claimed and Rated.

First, what I liked. The beginning is fairly okay, kind of random at points but I loves me some antagonism and Sosu and Tamon not getting along provided a good side-story to the main attraction. Complexity, ambiguity, and suspense were all set up well and you had me wanting to read more.

Now, what I felt was weird. Did you guys talk about this thread over PMs or discord or something? It felt a bit disjointed, like you both (that is, the players, not the characters) weren’t on the same page moving forward. I’d recommend making sure you decide big plot details ahead of time so they don’t change depending on whose turn it is to post. Your characters obviously don't have to agree, but you as the writers should. Why was the chief Miko lady changing her personality every post? That's really jarring as a reader!

And finally, er, the points. I’ll say two, for jutsu if you want, for Sosu and one point, for jutsu if you want, for Tamon.

Some general opinions are below, with more specifics in the ratings breakdown by player. These are my personal tastes so they didn’t affect the rating, but I hope you can consider the points I make (if you want to read them at all, anyway).

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Old 04-13-2018, 06:18 AM   #3
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Thanks junge; always got great advice!

1 point in strength and speed please
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Old 04-13-2018, 04:36 PM   #4
The New Hotness
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Hey Junge! Thanks so much for the advice and the constructive criticism. I read it all, and I appreciate it.

I'd like to pick up Kinobori/Kabenobori no Jutsu from the Global Ninjutsu List for Tamon, if you please.

[the lucky devil.]
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Old 05-14-2018, 05:28 PM   #5
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Edits made.
¤Nara Shikagerou, Sennin of Leaf.
¤Hyuuga Yuu, Genin of Leaf.
¤Gushiken Ren, Chuunin of Mist.
¤Hikoboshi no Natsu, Miko of Wind.
¤Sajime Sahori, Jounin of Stone.
¤Kiku-ichimonji Jun'ko, ronin samurai.
¤Hatsuyuki Shiro, renegade shinobi.
¤Keisei Ranko, The Prince of the Keisei.
Available for Registry Checks
Engi Tech || Leaf & Stone Secondary GM
Important NPCs: Higashi

Maybe it's the patterns that make me that made me crazy
(a r t i f i c a l f a n t a s y)
(swaps [AP] items)

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