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Old 03-22-2019, 01:43 AM   #1
Kapeesh
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Gambling, fighting, rescuing, death and deceit. Just another standard mission for everyone's favorite team of Genin + friends.
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Old 03-31-2019, 03:35 PM   #2
Seikon
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I told myself I was gonna temporarily stop rating junge threads but I want to keep this train moving, so I'll do this one too.
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Old 07-10-2019, 04:30 PM   #3
Wess
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I'm snagging this too.

Junge: 2 points, one for jutsu.
Kap: 2 points, one for jutsu.

It was an interesting thread. Kind of strange to kill Ichi off in this way, but I mean, hey. You do you. I didn't notice any misspellings, save for Kap spelling "wielding" as "weilding."

For a future reference to the both of you, describe your setting more. I didn't know they were in a casino until the fifth post. "Cramped storage area" didn't make my imagination churn either. It was hard to mentally picture what was going on; maybe I'm weird, but most of the thread played through my head with a white or black backdrop.

What happened to Akane? She wasn't mentioned for the second half of the thread. Wasn't she the objective?

Junge: I get that Ringo is a bit of a satirical character, but being cut across the neck is kinda serious. I get that her vision is fading and she's trying to act before she dies, and I get that this site is anime based, but she's still gotta feel pain. If you're gonna torture your characters, I want to know what they're experiencing. The pain levels, desperation, and the like.

Kap: You use "then" a lot in your posts. It's a good adjective or adverb to use occasionally, but when you use a lot, it kind of makes your writing seem like a list. Junge moved the thread along more than you too. If Gekko didn't take Ringo's watch, the thread wouldn't have changed significantly. She'd have seen Akane at swordpoint. The only difference would have been that she might have stayed behind to watch the equipment.

You lead the reader to infer a lot too. Making posts with more adjectives, subordinative clauses, anything that describes what's going would be helpful and make the writing not seem to list-like too.

For instance, in the 4th post of the thread, you wrote:
Quote:
Just as Gekko spoke back one of the formally dressed guys pulled a short sword from the back of his suit and aimed it at Akane.
You could have written something with more detail like, "As Gekko finished speaking, he noticed a sudden change of the room's demeanor. A subtle shift in movement from one of the formally dressed men switched his body language from neutral to aggressive. In a mere second, he had drawn a blade from the confines of his suit and pointed it toward Akane."

tl;dr for both of you: Immerse the reader more!
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Old 07-11-2019, 12:34 AM   #4
Junge
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Nice desu ne

For reference Akane was supposed to get kidnapped as this was an official Mist mission with an optional objective of...failing the mission. Doesn't excuse us not addressing your confusion though! Probably should have made that much clearer in the denouement.

I'd like to slap a +1 to Intelligence, then this tech:

Well-Timed Warrior
Stage Two
Requirements: Strength 7, Speed 7, Intelligence 6

This will adjust her stat bonuses to be +10 Strength and +8 Stamina.

For copy pasting:
HTML Code:
[07/10/2019] [URL="http://narutorp.net/showthread.php?t=46333"]Gameon[/URL]: +1 Intelligence, Stage Two Well Timed Warrior, -1 Ichi
The chicken doesn't get points on account of being dead. What a shame! Don't edit the sheet yet though, that's gotta wait for the next thread.
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Old 07-11-2019, 11:42 AM   #5
Kapeesh
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ooh thanks for the rating.

Gekko would like +1 Stamina and to add a jutsu in stage 2 of the medical list

Keksuki Gyouko (Blood Coagulation) - Control 5, Power 4, Reserves 4

My dog would like to add

Stage 2 of Decaying Fist

Stage 2
Requirement: Stamina 8, Strength 6, Willpower 6
Stage Bonus: +5 Strength, +4 Stamina

which would change its bonuses to +9 on strength and +9 on Stamina
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