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Old 06-05-2019, 12:27 AM   #1
Junge
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Default [Sand] Moor of the Sane

A story with some serious homophones: Moor of the Sane

With Junge on the Motonubu and Cayuga on the Tento.

Hold on to your seat as the saint Motonubu takes precocious little Tento under his wing and guides him on a magical adventure through Sunagakure. This definitely isn't a vanity thread with one character uncomfortably lording over another, oh no sir. This is just how things work in Kaze no Kuni.
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Old 06-30-2019, 12:27 PM   #2
Bass
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Claim-rated...

I like it, a thread with a simple premise, lots of room for character work which is what you want when you have characters with such wildly contrasting personalities. Unfortunately it did feel at times like you were perhaps too constrained by the the premise and that made the scope of what you were able to do a little narrow; some corrective choices were made as the thread progressed, but it was hard to shake. That said, you both did well with the material, and got some good play out of the dynamic presented.

Good Gods Motonubu can be an asshole; virtually every sentence encapsulated why or how much he hated something, everything. It can be tough once you set yourself that level of discontent to maintain it for a whole thread, but you certainly managed. The subtle differences between his external and internal motivations were a nice touch, and the disguised compliments toward Tento used as intimidation on the urchin hinted that there might be some layers beyond what we've been allowed to see. There was a little bit of repetitiveness though in the middle as the cycle of finding anything at all to berate Tento for became a tad formulaic, but the final couple twists saved it.

Tento was a little constricted by the premise of the thread, but still managed a good showing under the circumstances. He certainly had to exercise the patience mentioned in his biography a lot more than he would probably have liked; and I have to say I was almost rooting for him to stab Motonubu as he was imagining, since you'd done such a good job of showing his quiet frustration and slow approach to a potential breaking point. I also liked his final moment of hesitation, it was a stark contrast to his confidence in the previous sparring, and the psychological difference between training and using your training on someone, isn't something that's oft explored, so nicely done.

Some good writing from the both of you, not too many flow-breaking mistakes and a pleasant lack of obvious typo's. I do hope this mini-series together continues, it has potential to lead somewhere pretty interesting.

Junge: 2 points w/Jutsu
Cayuga: 2 points w/Jutsu

Last edited by Bass; 06-30-2019 at 12:58 PM..
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Old 06-30-2019, 12:56 PM   #3
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Plus 1 to speed and stamina. Thanks for the rating


[Bass] Done

Last edited by Bass; 06-30-2019 at 01:10 PM..
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Old 07-01-2019, 01:44 AM   #4
Junge
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I don't disagree with the repetition stuff. I'm as prone to relying on cliches as anyone else and should be duly called out on it!

Thanks for your hard work. I'd like to take a +1 to Speed and then this swap:

Motonubu Swaps
Ganjou Taiki (Solid Atmosphere)
Secondary Palm: Extension
Stage: 2

Also it'd be cool if you removed that broken image link in his Yagyou spoiler. I don't have a replacement.

Edits done by Wess

Last edited by Wess; 07-10-2019 at 11:14 AM..
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