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Old 07-27-2014, 02:25 AM   #1
Bukowski
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Default [Grass] The Dead Waltz [Rated]


Hanamura Saku - Buko
Hinku Hiroshi - Based God
Oono Katsumi - Darkbeauty

Featuring Merdle playing various thugs!

So it's a fluff thread disguised as a mission thread disguised as an arc thread--well, fuck it, I had fun writing it.

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Let's end the speculation, I'm talkin' to all of y'all
Males shouldn't be jealous, that's a female trait
What, you mad ‘cause you push dimes and he sell weight?
Y'all don't know my expenses, I gotta buy bigger plates
Hehehe, and more baggies — why you all aggie?
Homie, respect the game, that should be it
What you eat don't make me shit; where's the love?




Last edited by Bukowski; 07-27-2014 at 02:28 AM..
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Old 08-06-2014, 12:48 PM   #2
Junge
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I'll bite.

Claimed.
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Old 08-06-2014, 10:28 PM   #3
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Quote:
"Can you suck my dick?"

The boy shook his head and began to walk away, Saku held out the joint.

"Y'know anyone who will...?"
For a minute I thought Saku was saying 'please where can I find a dude who will suck me off if you won't I'll take anyone'. Like, I realized the larger context, but for the rest of the thread I giggled to myself imagining that the big mean edgy badass character was sheepishly asking strangers for sexual favors. Comedy at its finest.

By and large I don't have any huge (blanket) complaints, save for one related to the plot. A bunch of shinobi barge into a store and start a fight. Two dudes try to stop them, and without any further discussion they are attacked. YOU, the writer, know they work for Akino. Your characters would have no idea and at most could only suspect it. At times it felt like the characters were omniscient and it took a lot of suspense out of the story. Like, here's a summary of what happened:

Two guys may or may not be following your characters
You attack them first, after you trespass through someone's property while the owner screams for help
They defend themselves
"Guess they're okay to kill, then!"
Everyone cheers for the shinobi, because obviously their unprovoked assault was on bad guys

Saku is an impulsive idiot so he's justified in behaving like one. I was expecting the other characters (especially the guy whose supposed to be about JUSTICE) to be more intelligent about who they try to kill. I'm not saying you can't have your characters make poor decisions. I'm saying that just because you know something, your characters don't, and they should act like it.





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Old 08-07-2014, 12:08 AM   #4
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Yeah, it's a bad habit of mine, I sometimes dance between having my exposition work in the manner of an unreliable narrator and I sometimes have it as standard third person--it makes matters like whether or not Saku is violent or thinks he's violent become a little muddled. For the record, he's clearly violent and like violence--he just may not want to admit to it in normal conversation.

Thanks for the ratings, I always look forward to reading yours with great anticipation because you put a lot of effort into doing them. It's cool to see that you're a fan, I'll try to mix up the Boomerang Bat attacks--but the special is just so goddamn good.

I'll be taking +1 Strength and I'll also be adding a new list Dog Summons along with the Stage One jutsu Kuchiyose no Taro: Strength 3, Reserves 2.
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Let's end the speculation, I'm talkin' to all of y'all
Males shouldn't be jealous, that's a female trait
What, you mad ‘cause you push dimes and he sell weight?
Y'all don't know my expenses, I gotta buy bigger plates
Hehehe, and more baggies — why you all aggie?
Homie, respect the game, that should be it
What you eat don't make me shit; where's the love?



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Old 08-07-2014, 01:00 AM   #5
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Thanks for the rating Junge. Like Buko, I always look forward to your ratings. They're a great tool for finding my voice for each character. I see how Hiroshi stood out as bland. As a character, I'm still finding his voice. I'm definitely going to keep my eyes open about places where the character shouldn't know as much as the narrator, and to let that inform how I move the plot forward. Hiroshi as a justice machine is just finding his voice, and I already feel his character coming forward now that I'm writing his second thread.

Much obliged, two points to Speed, and I'll get Buko's edits now.
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Old 08-20-2014, 01:30 AM   #6
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Yeah, I owed everyone a last post but was too busy and couldn't make it thus it was thrown into ratings. Sorry! Also, she obviously uses the old "delegate and disappear" leadership tactic :P

Thanks for the rating, Junge. Yours are always the best! <3 I'll be picking up Stage Four in her Kusa no Suusenken:

[TP] Stage Four: 15 Stamina, 14 Speed, 14 Strength, 14 Control

And it'd made all my Tai bonuses pump up to 12. The last TP can be placed in Control. Thanks bud!
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Old 09-16-2014, 04:27 PM   #7
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Did I mention GMAP for this thread? I dunno, maybe I did, DB said something about it. Well it was a plot thread, so I'll offer it now. Plus it will wake you three up a little.

1GMAP for each of you. Tell me where you want it in another post in here, and then I'll do the edits for this rating.
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Old 09-16-2014, 04:33 PM   #8
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GMAP to Tactics, will edit myself. Thank you immensely, and I will kick myself int he butt to be around more.
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Old 09-16-2014, 04:42 PM   #9
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Thanks Merdle <3

I'll be adding a technique into her Those Lacking Opacity list with that GMAP. This one is under Stage 3:

[GMAP] Kagetegakari no Jutsu: Intelligence 9, Tactics 9, Power 7
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and super important to Grass for like a few years.


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Old 09-16-2014, 05:37 PM   #10
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[GMAP]Stage Two
Kuchiyose no Jiro
Requirements: Strength 6, Speed 6, Power 4
[AP] Stage Three
Kuchiyose no Momo
Requirements: Strength 9, Speed 9, Power 7
[AP]Stage Four
Kuchiyose no Kiku
Requirements: Strength 14, Speed 13, Stamina 11, Control 10

And Saku is now maxed out on AP. WHERE MAH DAWGS AT?!
__________________

MEMBER OF THE MUTHAFUCKIN' YEAR!
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Leaf & Grass Lieutenant



Let's end the speculation, I'm talkin' to all of y'all
Males shouldn't be jealous, that's a female trait
What, you mad ‘cause you push dimes and he sell weight?
Y'all don't know my expenses, I gotta buy bigger plates
Hehehe, and more baggies — why you all aggie?
Homie, respect the game, that should be it
What you eat don't make me shit; where's the love?



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