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Old 01-14-2019, 01:10 PM   #3
Bukowski
Your Problematic Bae
 
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Miami, Florida
Posts: 2,662
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Okay, first things first and this is just for IC book keeping pretty much, but since you did pick Elemental Specialist as your secondary...I'd like to know what that element is since you have both Katon and Mokuton. It doesn't effect your jutsu or anything but I think if you care enough to take Elemental Specialist as an archetype...you should be able to tell us what the element is.

Also, I am not opposed to him having been missing for years, but as it stands, I feel like the methodology used is simply a way to avoid mentioning Leaf Arc stuff. I think you know this as well because you tacked on a little bit on the side at the end...just to me it's not good enough. If you're going to have an unconventional past, I think the explanation needs to be hard wired. Also...it sort of begs a question to me, what do I want out of a clan character? Especially from a canon clan.

I think a connection to their village if not their family is paramount to that. When I first wrote Fist, I didn't have a concrete explanation on every nuance he felt towards the relationship with the Sanada...and Slav approved me based on the connection I had with the other characters in the village. I ended the biography with questions about how the other Aburame felt, questions about the council, questions about Cho's reaction to returning and dealing with the invasion and little concrete about his feelings or the feelings of others around him. Why did Cho even go to Snow in the first place?

In some respects this feels like it was tacked on to go along with your cool Spiderman Origin story and I am not opposed to you being Spiderman, I just think some marinating and further elaboration needs to be done. I'm not opposed to your Aburame getting his Captain America on and being a fish out of water...

But the explanation and elaboration at the moment need a bit more.

Or perhaps to cut down on the amount of time? You aren't far away from where you need to be, I just think you need to try a different route to get there.

Once you've done those changes/answered those questions in a more meaty way, I'll take a look at Cho again!
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