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[Served] On the Rocks

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  • [Served] On the Rocks

    The Thread
    Starring: Itsuki Hana and Aramaki Tenzan

    Do you like threads that take almost a year to complete? What about old threads related to an old arc? Do you like the beginnings of personal mini-arcs? What about reanimated dead people?

    Perfect, this thread is for you!
    Available for registry checks, just ask!
    If you need character sheet edits done, let me know!

    Ratings Moderator / Ame no Kuni Primary / Kaze no Kuni & Hi no Kuni Secondary / Maeda Clan GM
    Itsuki Hana ~ Shinshi Junichi ~ Renchishin Ume ~ Maeda Kazuhiko ~ Aoyama Sudao ~ Honekaigi Kasumi ~ Shichou Amane ~ Kawaguchi Takumi


    AP / Swaps

  • #2
    I read this thread and will rate it. Consider it claimed, rating up this weekend.
    (Rain Chuunin) Oichi Josuke | (Sand Chuunin) Sawamatsu no Motonubu | (Leaf Chuunin) Hyuuga Kannon
    (Retired Grass Chuunin) Shinshi Gemmei | (Snow Genin) Gonnohyoe | (Mist Genin) Kurusu Ringo
    (Brigade of Light) Chosokabe Muneshige | (Leaf Chuunin) Hong Feiyan
    Shichou Clan GM - Shichou Mission Thread Here!
    Brigade of Light GM - Missions and More!
    I will do any thread, anywhere, anytime. Just PM me!
    Wizlab | Swaps | (AP) | RIP

    Comment


    • #3
      I had to rewrite this a few times, and had to really consider what it was I wanted to critique. There’s one big thing that I think spawned all the smaller issues with the thread, and that’s the eternal curse of all Engi threads: travel. The mission is laid out in literally the first post- infiltrate the mine. As a reader I’m primed for this. Look at all the stuff you gave me to look forward too!

      A small scaled sketch of the mine and surrounding terrain, as well as detail on a small portion of the tunnel system. He flipped back to the front of it, staring at the name.
      “If I understand correctly, are we to apprehend a live target?
      Instead what happens? 8 posts to even get to the mine. 16 before they get inside. Then the thread is over and it’s time to go home. Not only was I set up for disappointment, I cannot imagine that all the posts spent merely going from point A to B was all that enjoyable to write, either!

      I think you both would be tremendously better served by writing the fun parts of the thread as early as possible, and just implying all the boring parts that you don’t like writing. As a reader I can infer certain things happen behind the scenes. Stuff like your characters introducing each other, knowing what each other are capable of, and them forming a plan before getting to the location. In fact, it’s more suspenseful for me to read a thread where I DON’T hear about the plan specifically, but I know the characters have one. Leaving gaps for the reader to fill in is a cool way to cut down on the work you have to do as a writer while also building dramatic tension in the story. You can obviously go too far in this direction (as I have) and leave the reader thinking ‘what on earth just happened?’, but I think it’s better to err on the side of leaving a reader confused, rather than leaving them bored stiff.

      Try as I might I can't justify more than two points, no jutsu. I liked the perspective of the characters and I liked the morally gray nature of the thread, but I can't overlook how the preponderance of the time was spent essentially doing absolutely nothing interesting.


      (Rain Chuunin) Oichi Josuke | (Sand Chuunin) Sawamatsu no Motonubu | (Leaf Chuunin) Hyuuga Kannon
      (Retired Grass Chuunin) Shinshi Gemmei | (Snow Genin) Gonnohyoe | (Mist Genin) Kurusu Ringo
      (Brigade of Light) Chosokabe Muneshige | (Leaf Chuunin) Hong Feiyan
      Shichou Clan GM - Shichou Mission Thread Here!
      Brigade of Light GM - Missions and More!
      I will do any thread, anywhere, anytime. Just PM me!
      Wizlab | Swaps | (AP) | RIP

      Comment


      • #4
        Thank you. Hana will take 2 points to Willpower.
        Available for registry checks, just ask!
        If you need character sheet edits done, let me know!

        Ratings Moderator / Ame no Kuni Primary / Kaze no Kuni & Hi no Kuni Secondary / Maeda Clan GM
        Itsuki Hana ~ Shinshi Junichi ~ Renchishin Ume ~ Maeda Kazuhiko ~ Aoyama Sudao ~ Honekaigi Kasumi ~ Shichou Amane ~ Kawaguchi Takumi


        AP / Swaps

        Comment

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