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  • #2
    Claimed and rated

    The Owl's celestial gate technique can only move a mile, right? You mentioned it transporting the somewhere far enough away that the time of day was different so that seems like significantly more than a mile. Since this was a solo thread I don't really care too much, and I'm always complaining about how much time is wasted in threads by traveling so I'm not horribly upset about it. The first half of the thread was quite literally pointless filler though, even with the teleportation, so I was kind of bored. Why post about the map, when it didn't matter? No important information was imparted or foreshadowed or anything in those first six posts. As a reader, it just feels like wasted time. I would have either had the thread start with Ryu breaking open the sword vault (so right on post 6), or included some history or lore or something about the sword during the whole map/cave exploring scenes, so the random giant dude who shows up at the end had a bit more connection to the rest of the thread.

    That being said the Mr. Giant fight clearly held your interest more, since you take the time to develop the fight with a natural sense of progression. Most of it was good. It bugged me you didn't keep track of your drive, or list your jutsu, since at one point Ryu burns through multiple Stage Fives and a Stage Six in the same post. Again, it's a solo thread, so maybe it's not so important, and as far as I can tell you didn't run out of usages, but I don't think it's a good habit to get into to just assume everyone knows what you are talking about when you say 'dragon flamethrower technique'.

    Beyond that, the giant responding intelligently and it being more than a big target for your jounin was nice. Moments where a weaker writer would have just said 'then he used the big jutsu and won the fight' presented themselves, but instead the story develops and keeps going. As a reader I appreciate it when the good parts of a story last longer!

    Ultimately the thread ends with 'and then he used the big jutsu and won the fight' but at least you dangled some suspense here and there to keep things going. I kind of waffled back and forth, but I think I'll have to settle on one point no jutsu. This was probably like, a 1.4 point thread though. If the first half had something more substantial I wouldn't have any issue giving it 2 points, so you were close! I would seriously consider starting future solo threads right at the most important part, or including information in those early 'travel' posts that setup the rest of the story. Either one of those things would have worked great here.
    (Rain Chuunin) Oichi Josuke | (Sand Chuunin) Sawamatsu no Motonubu | (Leaf Chuunin) Hyuuga Kannon
    (Retired Grass Chuunin) Shinshi Gemmei | (Snow Genin) Gonnohyoe | (Mist Genin) Kurusu Ringo
    (Brigade of Light) Chosokabe Muneshige | (Leaf Chuunin) Hong Feiyan
    Shichou Clan GM - Shichou Mission Thread Here!
    Brigade of Light GM - Missions and More!
    I will do any thread, anywhere, anytime. Just PM me!
    Wizlab | Swaps | (AP) | RIP

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    • #3
      Thanks for the rating.

      I suppose the first part was that way because I wanted some interaction between the owl and Ryu since it was my first time using them not behind the scenes and using multiple jutsu in one post is the result of me writing the thread then splitting it into posts to make it more readable. I also get your point that I need more interesting stuff and less filler.

      I'd like +1 reserves

      I suppose I get +1 bijuu xp

      I get a beast


      and I'd like to spend 9 AP from the bank to get the following progressions for beastmaster stuff since I have bought the ability to bypass the archetype requirement




      [Bass]Edits Done
      Last edited by Bass; 05-18-2020, 09:37 AM.


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