Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

[Sand] Grains in the Hourglass

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • [Sand] Grains in the Hourglass

    Lei-Lei IS Murata Keiichi
    Junge reprises his role AS Sawamatsu no Motonubu

    Grains in the Hourglass


    Something normal this way comes. It's a typical mission. Some shinobi go out, protect a rock that needs to be protected. In the end, though, what really needed to be protected was...themselves.

    And the rock. More the rock, actually. They didn't do a good job at that though. Didn't do a good job of protecting themselves either. Just kind of a big stinker of a job all around. That's life!
    (Rain Chuunin) Oichi Josuke | (Sand Chuunin) Sawamatsu no Motonubu | (Leaf Chuunin) Hyuuga Kannon
    (Retired Grass Chuunin) Shinshi Gemmei | (Snow Genin) Gonnohyoe | (Mist Genin) Kurusu Ringo
    (Brigade of Light) Chosokabe Muneshige | (Leaf Chuunin) Hong Feiyan
    Shichou Clan GM - Shichou Mission Thread Here!
    Brigade of Light GM - Missions and More!
    I will do any thread, anywhere, anytime. Just PM me!
    Wizlab | Swaps | (AP) | RIP

  • #2
    Me!..........
    Unofficial Official Snow GM
    Kaori|Hoshi|Koushou|Tsuneo|Yuri|Kei|AP|Swaps|Items|Database

    [[Jadartan]]
    Social Media Moderator for Engi.
    Co-Secondary Mist GM
    Enari Clan GM, The Loyalists GM

    Comment


    • #3
      So just in the first Act, I was intrigued in that both of you already established everything a reader needs to connect and understand. It's a testament to talent to be able to build a sense of foreboding about a dumb rock without ever actually pointing at the rock. Both of you hang delicious lampshades around it, drawing attention close to it without ever urging the reader to focus on a rock. Junge, when you go through the days events, and then stylistically break to "protect the rock." Nice sense of tension in the tenses, and it works to highlight that there's something off. Lei, when you mention about how the message was for another person, the unnamed KAZE investigator, the one who isn't there (spooooooky!), that again creates tension. I thought he was just starting a friendly ninja conversation, but you immediately dive back in to the abject weirdness of a pillar.

      Also, as much as both of them are narcissistic butts, the characterization was on point. Lei, you create a fleshed out view into the guy every time you mention some nerdy crap, which is often enough to remind us that he's not as cool as he pretends, but not so often that it's a hackneyed trope. Junge, I've read some Motonobu before and all I know is that he's "NO motonobu." I'll be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed you didn't include that one, though. You make up for it by "letting it slide." That was a nice touch. Instead you rehash 'grit in the teeth' from the first to the last post and it works. I've mentioned before how I like your cadence in writing. No exceptions here. You have a talent of bringing a rhythm to it, and I can tell that as ridiculous and deadpool-esque as you're prone to play it, you enjoy writing. The reader can tell.

      I'd warn you, though, sometimes your outlandish posts are a bit hammy, and if I didn't know the kind of writer you were, it would come across as disorienting. Paired against Lei's style of more standard (but still finely crafted) prose, it can be a little eye-rolling. When it's two people going to town with the cheese, you shine like a floodlight. Otherwise it's a bit blinding. Like a floodlight. I'm out of similes.

      Also Junge, let's pop back to post five. When you redo the opening again, I know what you're going for, and in a book it would work well because it would cause the reader to go, "hmm, wait a minute." But because it's a thread and we just saw it a couple hundred words ago and the reader will remember it, it's... just a thought, but, I felt it would have been more effective to redo that but slightly different. Obviously keep the keywords like the cloak and sky but sort of shift it around? Or shorten it. The exact copy bit was a good choice, and highlights the weird and all... I don't know, just an idea. Maybe if you shortened it like you did in post seven and so on? Again, I know what you're going for, and I like it, but it kind of throws off the beautiful pacing you tend to create otherwise.

      For example, Lei goes back to fisting the ground and watching sand through his fingers. It's a clear callback to the beginning (more foreboding! Spooky!) but it doesn't slow at all, instead it builds tension. It amps it up.

      The middle and much of the end is just combat. It was well thought out and not as boring as I expected it to be mostly because people were getting injured. It wasn't just ninja skillz. It was a little jarring in some places but that's because of the illusions. In regards to the genjutsu swordplay, I might be missing it, but I didn't understand what was happening. I know the style, i wasn't sure which attacks were feigned and how they were... I guess some more concrete localizing would be beneficial here, even if it's as boring as "He struck with the blade, appearing four inches to the left of the true blade."

      Also, Junge... last thing. In the combat, you had these moments where you went through an entire attack and then it was just disregarded like nothing. Like, you literally one arm suplexed a girl and then she's up and tackling you. Is she a demon? Was that all an illusion?

      And damn you both for not tying up loose ends with the rock. What the heck. You build all this delicious tension about a rock and then the end is "nah we're leaving now cause this girl needs help and I got stabbed."

      Either way, great job. Two points, stats and jutsu.
      Unofficial Official Snow GM
      Kaori|Hoshi|Koushou|Tsuneo|Yuri|Kei|AP|Swaps|Items|Database

      [[Jadartan]]
      Social Media Moderator for Engi.
      Co-Secondary Mist GM
      Enari Clan GM, The Loyalists GM

      Comment


      • #4
        Teachings of the Shinigami
        PHP Code:
        [08/24/2017]: [URL="http://narutorp.net/showthread.php?t=45532"]Grains in the Hourglass: +1 StrengthStage Two Teachings of the Shinigami (MotM), Stage Three Teachings of the Shinigami[/URL
        Many thanks to those enslaved to the Engi edit machine, may you one day find peace from your eternal keyboard and hyperlink filled turmoil.
        (Rain Chuunin) Oichi Josuke | (Sand Chuunin) Sawamatsu no Motonubu | (Leaf Chuunin) Hyuuga Kannon
        (Retired Grass Chuunin) Shinshi Gemmei | (Snow Genin) Gonnohyoe | (Mist Genin) Kurusu Ringo
        (Brigade of Light) Chosokabe Muneshige | (Leaf Chuunin) Hong Feiyan
        Shichou Clan GM - Shichou Mission Thread Here!
        Brigade of Light GM - Missions and More!
        I will do any thread, anywhere, anytime. Just PM me!
        Wizlab | Swaps | (AP) | RIP

        Comment


        • #5
          Thanks for your words!

          Please add +1 to Control.

          For the jutsu, I'd like Surprise the Devil under Onigokko. Added, it should look like this:

          |Special Techniques|
          -Blind the Devil [F4]
          -Tag the Devil [F5]
          -Surprise the Devil [T1]
          Under Thread Ratings:

          PHP Code:
          [08/24/2017]:[URL="http://narutorp.net/showthread.php?t=45532"]Grains in the Hourglass: +1  ControlSurprise the Devil[/URL

          Comment

          Working...
          X